Sad

Today I had a doctor's appointment for an ultrasound and it went ok I guess. My cysts are much bigger and the tech. said I would need surgery since I have Endometriomas Cysts A.K.A as Chocolate Cysts, she also said I would probably need to have my right ovary removed which freaks me out to even think about it.

I have a hard time TTC with two ovaries imagine with just 1. I don't know what to do, I don't want to have surgery or have my ovary removed. When I got home I started freaking out and even had a panic attack, my mom had to calm me down. To make things ever frustrating as I walked in the docs office every woman there was pregnant and there was this girl I have known since she was a little girl and she already is 16 and 8 months pregnant and having a baby because her mom wants her too. She doesn't want to be pregnant or have the baby I do hope so she changes her mind as soon as she sees her beautiful baby born. Stuff like that makes me mad, women, girls that don't want to be pregnant or don't deserve to be mother's pop out kids like crazy, and me who have been waiting, hoping, praying for a miracle child can't have one. Life is not fair sometimes, and it's hard. I believe in God and that everything happens with a purpose but I sometimes feel like I'm loosing my faith. I haven't done nothing wrong to deserve what I'm going through, all I want is a baby to hold and to love. I hate it when people tell me "it's not the time yet" I always wonder inside how much longer I have to wait, I feel like I could win the lottery before I even get blessed with a child, actually I don't even think that will happen.

When I feel pregnant and take a test I worry so much because it makes me wonder if it's wrong or how long will it be until I lose it. Every time I lose a baby I keep losing my faith, people say God is testing me but why. What else does he wants from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm just so depressed today

Stress

Well after Peter and I talking seriously a few nights ago, we decided that we won't be trying to have kids anymore, at least for now. We just don't think it's the right time anymore with all the stress we are going through lately. We also agreed that we won't be spending the extra money we have and decided to start saving. So far we have been doing good in the saving department, we won't be eating out, only on special occasions, buying stuff we don't need, wasting the money in dumb stuff. I calculated that if we do this for a straight year we will have enough money to complete our wedding savings account and we could have the wedding of OUR dreams, which is really big bc we both have big families and most of the money we have will be gone only in food and we don't even have a lot of guests(Only 150 and 70% of them are kids).So if we commit to this we will have a 2009 wedding, maybe I'll wait to 2010 so we can renew our vows in our 5Th year anniversary.

It's amazing how Peter and I have stuck together through thick and thin. I really don't like his family(except his dad..RIP, and maternal grandmother...RIP), they want everything their way. and in the middle of the convo asks me why does Peter has to tell me where he is going out to and I told him because he wants to and because that's the responsible thing to do. I don't care where or who is Peter with bc I trust him but he tells me bc I tell him when I go out. He's not my father and I'm not his mother but I'd be very pissed if I came home and didn't find him home. I don't find inappropriate that a wife knows where her husband is. I always knew Italians were really possessive but this Italian family goes beyond possessive they are crazy...

I love my BABY!

Today I feel very loving lol It has been a long time since Peter and I actually spend "real" quailty time together. Yesterday, well today, we went to bed at 3am watching Tv, usually I'm in my room watching CourtTv and he's watching music videos in the living room then we go to bed. But since he has been working night's I've felt alone, so yesterday I waited for him to come home, I fixed him food, waited for him to shower then we sat down to watch a movie. I can't wait for him to come home already.

I was watching Tv yesterday in the afternoon and saw a documentry on a lady who had PCOS and was on infertility treatment and on her second cycle trying she got pregnant with twins. A few years after they started trying for their last baby and they go pregnant with 7 babies but one never grew so she had sextuplets. Now she's got 8 kids all under the age of 7 it's so amazing how she can handle 8 kids running all at once, 6 crying at the same time she needs an award for SUPER MOMMY!

Peter and I talked about the posibility we have of getting pregnant with twins or more one day. Clomid gives a small chance of multiple births but like I told him I will be happy with 1, 2, 3, it don't matter if it's 10. He doesn't show his emotions but I know it's hurting him the fact that we haven't carry a baby pass 11 weeks. The other day we were going to the store and he saw a dad watching his lil girl while she ride her tricycle and Peter said "I can't wait to do that" and when we were in Puerto Rico he was so good to my cousins baby. He was always trying to feed her and he was always more than happy to hold her and put her to sleep. He was so sweet everytime I remember it makes me more baby crazy.

Life...

I really miss my BF's from back home we don't talk often but I know I can always count on them no matter what! They have been very supportive with my grandfather thing, I do miss them a lot.

I met Patricia in pre-school and have always been best friends, in 6th grade our lives took different turns she had her own friends and I had my own friends lol and we were in the same classroom all day and barely talked but I always knew that when I was in need she would always be there. She never forgot my birthday and now they we are adults still hasn't forgotten my birthday. Sometimes we go 8-9 months without talking but when we do it feels like we talked the day before. She's like my sister I couldn't love her more even her kids consider me their aunt. I love you Patty!

My other BF Maria I met in 9th grade we have never been apart since then. She's part of the family, she was ALWAYS staying at my house and we always got in trouble together even if it wasn't my fault or my fault but we never left the other hanging and alone. She is also been supporting me and helping me deal with my grandfather's illness. We barely talk on the phone I think that since I moved here in 2002 we have talked a total time of 50 times but she and I know that we can count on each other in any situation.

I am very grateful for having them as friends, bad situations always let you know who are your real friends and they have always showed me they are true and supportive with me. I love you girls! I'm sure we will all grow old together and live next to each other on that retirement community(right maky?) lol

Anyway today my grandfather finally said he was diagnosed with bladder cancer and he's on stage 1 so thank god they found it on time and will be able to seek treatment. It's been a hard thing for me since I already lost my other grandpa to lung cancer in 2005 I couldn't take it losing my other grandpa to cancer.

Thanks for all the support that I've been getting specially from all of my FF gals!

Sad News

My grandma called me today to tell me that my grandpa came home from the doctors and he said to her that when he dies he wants to be burried next to his son and that he always loved her and she said she freaked out bc he said it crying. When she asked him what was wrong he said nothing was wrong.

3 weeks ago I took him to get a study at the Urologyst and I can't remember what it was for, he said it was to check his liver and bladder. So today he went to get the results and the above paragraph is what happend after he came home from the doc. I remember when I was in PR for vacations that he called me and said he had cancer and was going to have surgery I freaked out and told him to stop joking and he said "just joking but I need you to take me to the docs X day for a biopsy" I said ok and now thinking way back on this it makes me wonder if they had told him he probably has cancer and it was confirmed today!

He wont tell no one nothing except for "everything came back fine" but he has to go once every three weeks for a injection and he was given Spectra(I asume he has an infection somewhere). My mom told him she was going to call the doctor and he said "don't waste your time bc I told the doctor not to give out any info" My grandpa is a strong person he never cries but today you just know there is something terrible happening to him. I know we have to give him time and that when he's ready he'll tell us what's wrong but it's killing me!

My family members are driving me nuts bc they want for him to say what's wrong and I keep telling them to leave him alone as he will talk when he's ready. Now I have my aunt calling his doctor for a explanation and I told her he wont say nothing bc it's the law and she said that if he dont say nothing she will schedule an appoitment with his doctor and is gonna force him to go! His next appoitment is april 16 for his next injection and I told him I wanted to go with him if he allows me and he said yes.

But deep down inside I think it's Bladder Cancer I did some research on Bilharzia which my grandfather got when he was young, someone told me you never get rid of it. Anyway I googled it and found that in the long run it could lead to some diseases including bladder cancer and I googled bladder cancer and I saw that one of the treatmeants for early stages of bladder cancer is Biologic therapy.

Biologic therapy is a treatment that uses the patient’s immune system to fight cancer. Substances made by the body or made in a laboratory are used to boost, direct, or restore the body’s natural defenses against cancer. This type of cancer treatment is also called biotherapy or immunotherapy. I googled that and found that you get a injection every few weeks(he has to go every 3 weeks for injection) for a period of time.

I came to this conclusion bc from the past I know he constantly pees blood and has had many biopsys and problems with his bladder and prostate. I hope I'm wrong but I have decided to wait until he is ready to talk about it I told him he has my support 110% and that I will ALWAYS be there for him.

Random

Today Peter and I been thinking about our move, we decided it's better to just move to NJ insead of moving to NY and having to drive to Jersey to work. We've been looking for some apartments trying to get an idea and I have found a few good places near Elizabeth which is great because I have 'family" there and it's not that far from NY and I can visit my grandmother. Peter will have to find a factory job until he finishes college I think that by the time we move he'll have 2 more semesters to go. I'm so excited about all this and I can't wait although out budget has gone from regular to strict because saving is the key! Now all we need to do is find a good High School near for my brother. I hope this move wont affect him and if he moves with us it's his choice since I gave him the option to stay in FL with my grandmother or mother since when we move he'll be going in his Senior year. But deep down inside I hope he moves with me I can't even think of being apart from him again I love having him around.

Anyway, I have no plans for today other than wait for Mendee to get online so we can talk about her bridal shower. It's a lot of work and I don't know where to even start at but I know that at the end it will be a great shower.

I was talking to my dad yesterday and I really don't even know why I called him it makes me mad that everytime I call him for advice he'll say "why you get married" "why did you drop out of college" "why you did this or that" UGH! it's annoying I know he wants the best for me and thankfully he likes Peter but he just doesn't understand why I got married so "young" he wanted me to wait until I was 30. I know I dropped out of college but I had a full time job that required lots of overtime and it was getting harder and harder. I now regret dropping out of college but I'm getting back in track and I'm going to start this summer. So dad PLEASE STOP REMINDING ME what YOU think I did wrong. I still love you :D

Bad Day!

Well today was Peter's appt with the urologist or so we thought. We left to the appt at 2:30pm and got there 5 till 3pm, we signed in and sat down and the lady calls us and tells us that our appt isn't today! WHAT? I know I'm not crazy I was the one who made the appt and she said "march 22nd at 3:30pm and make sure you get here 30 mins before". I was frustrated and I took out the appt reminder I got on the mail saying our appt was march 22nd at 3:30pm and the lady said "I'm sorry but that was a mistake on our part because the doctor is not in on Thursdays" UGH! so they gave us an appt for Wed. march 28, 2007 and trust me I will call to make sure he has an appt that day. I was just so aggravated, I was so looking forward to this appt to get some answers and solutions.

Anyway, I hate watching TV at times today I was watching some Spanish channel and no lie they gave the same EPT commercial more than 6 times in 1 hr I was about to shot the TV. That reminds me that I should write Always a letter I hate those "have a happy period" saying the now have in their pads. Why should I be happy of my period! I don't want it, I want to be pregnant instead and miss my period for sometime. I get so mad when people ask me "when are you planning on having a baby" MIND YOUR BUSINESS PEOPLE it's a hard question that I don't want to answer. It's not like I can have sex and BAM I'm pregnant it takes time and effort. It pisses me off when people say "yeah once we are done doing this we are going to get pregnant" HELLO! that happens like 10% of the time I remember when I was 14 all I said was "I can't wait to get married and get pregnant" yeah well I'm married now all I need is to get pregnant.

Enough with the pregnancy talk for a min. Today Peter and I were talking about our future plans and NY. I tell him that when we move there we need to live on Housing Assistance until we get on our feet's probably a year or less but the thought of living in the "Projects" or the "Ghetto" creeps him out. I mean c'mon it can't be that bad, as long that you keep your nose in your business nothing bad should happen. I wonder how will he react when I tell him I called and have a application on the way those waits are LONG! and we have the time to wait. Maybe I'll tell him today :D