Sad

Today I had a doctor's appointment for an ultrasound and it went ok I guess. My cysts are much bigger and the tech. said I would need surgery since I have Endometriomas Cysts A.K.A as Chocolate Cysts, she also said I would probably need to have my right ovary removed which freaks me out to even think about it.

I have a hard time TTC with two ovaries imagine with just 1. I don't know what to do, I don't want to have surgery or have my ovary removed. When I got home I started freaking out and even had a panic attack, my mom had to calm me down. To make things ever frustrating as I walked in the docs office every woman there was pregnant and there was this girl I have known since she was a little girl and she already is 16 and 8 months pregnant and having a baby because her mom wants her too. She doesn't want to be pregnant or have the baby I do hope so she changes her mind as soon as she sees her beautiful baby born. Stuff like that makes me mad, women, girls that don't want to be pregnant or don't deserve to be mother's pop out kids like crazy, and me who have been waiting, hoping, praying for a miracle child can't have one. Life is not fair sometimes, and it's hard. I believe in God and that everything happens with a purpose but I sometimes feel like I'm loosing my faith. I haven't done nothing wrong to deserve what I'm going through, all I want is a baby to hold and to love. I hate it when people tell me "it's not the time yet" I always wonder inside how much longer I have to wait, I feel like I could win the lottery before I even get blessed with a child, actually I don't even think that will happen.

When I feel pregnant and take a test I worry so much because it makes me wonder if it's wrong or how long will it be until I lose it. Every time I lose a baby I keep losing my faith, people say God is testing me but why. What else does he wants from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm just so depressed today