Sad

Today I had a doctor's appointment for an ultrasound and it went ok I guess. My cysts are much bigger and the tech. said I would need surgery since I have Endometriomas Cysts A.K.A as Chocolate Cysts, she also said I would probably need to have my right ovary removed which freaks me out to even think about it.

I have a hard time TTC with two ovaries imagine with just 1. I don't know what to do, I don't want to have surgery or have my ovary removed. When I got home I started freaking out and even had a panic attack, my mom had to calm me down. To make things ever frustrating as I walked in the docs office every woman there was pregnant and there was this girl I have known since she was a little girl and she already is 16 and 8 months pregnant and having a baby because her mom wants her too. She doesn't want to be pregnant or have the baby I do hope so she changes her mind as soon as she sees her beautiful baby born. Stuff like that makes me mad, women, girls that don't want to be pregnant or don't deserve to be mother's pop out kids like crazy, and me who have been waiting, hoping, praying for a miracle child can't have one. Life is not fair sometimes, and it's hard. I believe in God and that everything happens with a purpose but I sometimes feel like I'm loosing my faith. I haven't done nothing wrong to deserve what I'm going through, all I want is a baby to hold and to love. I hate it when people tell me "it's not the time yet" I always wonder inside how much longer I have to wait, I feel like I could win the lottery before I even get blessed with a child, actually I don't even think that will happen.

When I feel pregnant and take a test I worry so much because it makes me wonder if it's wrong or how long will it be until I lose it. Every time I lose a baby I keep losing my faith, people say God is testing me but why. What else does he wants from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm just so depressed today

Stress

Well after Peter and I talking seriously a few nights ago, we decided that we won't be trying to have kids anymore, at least for now. We just don't think it's the right time anymore with all the stress we are going through lately. We also agreed that we won't be spending the extra money we have and decided to start saving. So far we have been doing good in the saving department, we won't be eating out, only on special occasions, buying stuff we don't need, wasting the money in dumb stuff. I calculated that if we do this for a straight year we will have enough money to complete our wedding savings account and we could have the wedding of OUR dreams, which is really big bc we both have big families and most of the money we have will be gone only in food and we don't even have a lot of guests(Only 150 and 70% of them are kids).So if we commit to this we will have a 2009 wedding, maybe I'll wait to 2010 so we can renew our vows in our 5Th year anniversary.

It's amazing how Peter and I have stuck together through thick and thin. I really don't like his family(except his dad..RIP, and maternal grandmother...RIP), they want everything their way. and in the middle of the convo asks me why does Peter has to tell me where he is going out to and I told him because he wants to and because that's the responsible thing to do. I don't care where or who is Peter with bc I trust him but he tells me bc I tell him when I go out. He's not my father and I'm not his mother but I'd be very pissed if I came home and didn't find him home. I don't find inappropriate that a wife knows where her husband is. I always knew Italians were really possessive but this Italian family goes beyond possessive they are crazy...

I love my BABY!

Today I feel very loving lol It has been a long time since Peter and I actually spend "real" quailty time together. Yesterday, well today, we went to bed at 3am watching Tv, usually I'm in my room watching CourtTv and he's watching music videos in the living room then we go to bed. But since he has been working night's I've felt alone, so yesterday I waited for him to come home, I fixed him food, waited for him to shower then we sat down to watch a movie. I can't wait for him to come home already.

I was watching Tv yesterday in the afternoon and saw a documentry on a lady who had PCOS and was on infertility treatment and on her second cycle trying she got pregnant with twins. A few years after they started trying for their last baby and they go pregnant with 7 babies but one never grew so she had sextuplets. Now she's got 8 kids all under the age of 7 it's so amazing how she can handle 8 kids running all at once, 6 crying at the same time she needs an award for SUPER MOMMY!

Peter and I talked about the posibility we have of getting pregnant with twins or more one day. Clomid gives a small chance of multiple births but like I told him I will be happy with 1, 2, 3, it don't matter if it's 10. He doesn't show his emotions but I know it's hurting him the fact that we haven't carry a baby pass 11 weeks. The other day we were going to the store and he saw a dad watching his lil girl while she ride her tricycle and Peter said "I can't wait to do that" and when we were in Puerto Rico he was so good to my cousins baby. He was always trying to feed her and he was always more than happy to hold her and put her to sleep. He was so sweet everytime I remember it makes me more baby crazy.